I never really had it...

I lost a friend yesterday. I didn't lose her to death, I lost her to alcoholism. It would have been easier to lose her to death, because that would have been God's decision. I had to look deep into my soul and find the courage to make a change in my life. It was not an easy decision, but for now it is the best decision for me. It does not mean that I don't love her, I always will. It hurts. However, in the midst of the pain, I have also found relief.

God was preparing me for this a week ago. I didn't know it. The topic for my Saturday family group a week ago was developing friendships. One of the qualities of friendship is that it satisfies needs. One of the questions I asked the group is, "What needs are your friendships satisfying for you?"

I woke this morning around 3:00 a.m. As I laid in bed, rubbing my puppy, thinking about the situation, questioning my decision. God recalled the question to me, "What need is the friendship satisfying for me?" The answer, nothing but pain. I thought about my relationship with my puppy. She offers me more than my friend has ever considered offering. God reveled to me that my friendship with her had only been one sided. I was giving, giving and giving, to be have nothing in return but judgement and resentment handed back to me. What took me so long to see this? I need to re-phrase that question, what took me so long to accept it? I had seen it for a long time. It was a friendship that never really was. It was a friendship that I longed for.

My "friend" told me more than once that she never felt a part of the other three of us. God also reminded me that in order to have a friend, you first have to be a friend. She was not willing to step out of the box and be a friend, her judgements and resentments prevent her from developing friendships. Our relationship was all about her. When the four of us were together, it was all centered around her. Trying to help her feel a part of the friendships, the drama that she creates to satisfy her wants/needs.

I have learned from this. First, that my real friends love me unconditionally. They don't care what a mess I am. They love my character defects, my sick sense of humor. They want to spend time with me, just because I am me. We give and take from each other. When I am down, I can turn to them for emotional support and comfort. I can give back to them when they are in need. When I share happy moments or events they celebrate with me, and I with them. My thoughts, my feeling, my opinions matter to them. They love me warts and all. They respect me and I offer them the same.

This is what I tried to do for my "friend", I tried to be this type of friend for her. She is blinded by alcohol. I have compassion for her knowing the role alcohol plays in our lives. Knowing it is a disease. However, it is a disease that unlike others in the fact it controls our behaviors as much if not more as it impacts us phyically. I can still have compassion but I can't allow my compassion to turn into allowing me to be repeatedly hurt. She has choices in her behaviors, and as long as she chooses to manipulate and decieve, I have to love her from "a distance". I know she doesn't want to be this way, but the choices she makes are hers.

I pray one day I will not have to love my other "friend" from afar, that she too will want to be my friend and will value my friendship. Until then, I still have to love her from a distance. I still struggle that it hurts so much to lose something I never really had, but it does...

puppy love

My puppy has been seriously ill this week. The vet's orders are to keep her still and calm. How do you calm the "energizer bunny"? God has given her a spirit of joy, love and enthusiasm. Only God will be able to edify her zestfulness during this time of healing.

When I see the spirit of joy, unconditional love and enthusiasm that she has, it touches my heart. How I long to have these attributes shine in my life. I pray each day that someone will see the Lord through me.

Continuous joy today is what I pray for. I frequently find myself praying for God to restore the joy of my salvation. As a counselor and a caregiver, I am thankful that God allows me to see when this is a need and I don't have much left to give. I am grateful for the strength that God provides me minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. He restores what is needed in His time, not mine.

I am often surprised by the "tools" He uses to meet my needs. A client who is hurting...an unexpected phone call of love from Bill, an intern who is anxious to jump in and help in anyway, or a fuzzy puppy who gives the best puppy kisses in the world.

renewal in preparing for sleep

Fall creates new feelings in our home. It is a time of watching the world preparing for "a long winter's nap". The fall traditions that renew our spirits. The cool, crisp mornings, people once again venturing outside after a long, hot Texas summer, the beautiful leaves that magically dance with the wind. I love the open windows and the sounds that from a distance enter my mind. Children playing, mowing the lawn for the last time, families talking quietly as they sit on their front porches at night, a radio playing softly in the distance. As the sounds change to hearing children calling "Trick or Treat", family football games in the yard, and family conservation as they gather around the Thanksgiving table, it a reminder that within the season there is also change.

The smells of autumn also are different from any other time of the year. The smoke that lazily lingers from chimneys that guard our housetops. The burning of leaves that have changed from green, to beautiful fall hues, to finally brown. Hot dogs smothered in chili, hot apple cider with fragrant cinnamon sticks, marshmallows that have been burnt beyond recognition. The smells of turkey, onions, celery, cranberries, stuffing, and pumpkin pie that on Thanksgiving Day gratefully allow us to stuff ourselves into misery.

The traditions of family offers comfort. Buying the pumpkins, gourds and beautiful Indian corn the first weekend in October. Friday night campfires and cookouts, gathering pecans, and watching for the Harvest moon. Cool fall evenings that bring out the sweaters, and the tranquility that only comes from rocking on the front porch. Thanksgiving with family and friends or just the two of us. A time to rethink our gratitude.

I am grateful for the renewal that comes before hibernation. God in His infinite wisdom.