I never really had it...

I lost a friend yesterday. I didn't lose her to death, I lost her to alcoholism. It would have been easier to lose her to death, because that would have been God's decision. I had to look deep into my soul and find the courage to make a change in my life. It was not an easy decision, but for now it is the best decision for me. It does not mean that I don't love her, I always will. It hurts. However, in the midst of the pain, I have also found relief.

God was preparing me for this a week ago. I didn't know it. The topic for my Saturday family group a week ago was developing friendships. One of the qualities of friendship is that it satisfies needs. One of the questions I asked the group is, "What needs are your friendships satisfying for you?"

I woke this morning around 3:00 a.m. As I laid in bed, rubbing my puppy, thinking about the situation, questioning my decision. God recalled the question to me, "What need is the friendship satisfying for me?" The answer, nothing but pain. I thought about my relationship with my puppy. She offers me more than my friend has ever considered offering. God reveled to me that my friendship with her had only been one sided. I was giving, giving and giving, to be have nothing in return but judgement and resentment handed back to me. What took me so long to see this? I need to re-phrase that question, what took me so long to accept it? I had seen it for a long time. It was a friendship that never really was. It was a friendship that I longed for.

My "friend" told me more than once that she never felt a part of the other three of us. God also reminded me that in order to have a friend, you first have to be a friend. She was not willing to step out of the box and be a friend, her judgements and resentments prevent her from developing friendships. Our relationship was all about her. When the four of us were together, it was all centered around her. Trying to help her feel a part of the friendships, the drama that she creates to satisfy her wants/needs.

I have learned from this. First, that my real friends love me unconditionally. They don't care what a mess I am. They love my character defects, my sick sense of humor. They want to spend time with me, just because I am me. We give and take from each other. When I am down, I can turn to them for emotional support and comfort. I can give back to them when they are in need. When I share happy moments or events they celebrate with me, and I with them. My thoughts, my feeling, my opinions matter to them. They love me warts and all. They respect me and I offer them the same.

This is what I tried to do for my "friend", I tried to be this type of friend for her. She is blinded by alcohol. I have compassion for her knowing the role alcohol plays in our lives. Knowing it is a disease. However, it is a disease that unlike others in the fact it controls our behaviors as much if not more as it impacts us phyically. I can still have compassion but I can't allow my compassion to turn into allowing me to be repeatedly hurt. She has choices in her behaviors, and as long as she chooses to manipulate and decieve, I have to love her from "a distance". I know she doesn't want to be this way, but the choices she makes are hers.

I pray one day I will not have to love my other "friend" from afar, that she too will want to be my friend and will value my friendship. Until then, I still have to love her from a distance. I still struggle that it hurts so much to lose something I never really had, but it does...